Spygirl.
I think that maybe it's a problem with environment, really, when it comes to my workplaces. Horrible twitchy fluorescent lighting, dilapidated tables and endless linoleum. I don't handle it well at all, sadly enough. Two weeks, three weeks, maybe a month-- and I am out of there, grimy glass doors slamming in my wake.
This, though. This is gold.
I am on my second day as a receptionist for AFCBroadband, a local internet company. I work in the basement of the city offices.
You have to understand, however, that the title "receptionist" is merely for my protection, because if I told you what I really did, I would have to kill you (with the Vulcan neck pinch, which I can't tell you I learned yesterday, because you're supposed to think that I was just doing paperwork).
I, my friends, am actually a spy.
-ITINERARY-
7:50 AM
Wake up. Roll skillfully out of bed. Spies do everything skillfully. Eat Frosted Flakes, pour milk down the sink (because sugared milk is disgusting and spies do not have to put up with that).
8:03 AM
Shower. Practice spy-poses in shower. Spies always look great when caught off guard in shower. Must perpetuate stereotype.
8:19 AM
Don sleek pleather catsuit (after donning control-top pantyhose). Cover up said catsuit with respectable turtleneck sweater and nice dress pants. Am only receptionist. Tell self that. Do not snigger. Resist putting on false eyelashes and red eyeshadow. Resist putting on babydoll wig.
8:45 AM
Arrive at police station. Swipe key-card at outer door, inner door, and at elevator. (Resist taking stairs in hope that you will be attacked by Thwarted Angy Enemy and 0wn hardcore. Stairwells still scare you-- you saw The Grudge.) Descend in elevator to basement... the Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™. Hang up coat. Greet coworkers as if we are not spies. It does not do to make a big deal about being a spy. Spies are humble.
9:43 AM
Answer urgent speakerphone request from the Boss. Embark on clandestine mission to deliver mail to City Hall. Am v. certain mail includes instructions on how to disarm bomb. Always a bomb in City Hall. Am sent with Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me.
9:46 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me realizes we have forgotten Ultra-Sweet Under-Wraps Walkie-Talkies. Go back to retrieve.
9:55 AM
Finish walk to City Hall. Begin to think that Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™ is underfunded and should give me better shoes and high-techumbrella to keep off rain. (Also, more than six dollars an hour.)
9:56 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me disappears to speak with the Mayor, also known as He-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. Concerns technical problem. Am v. sure this is code for disarming bomb. Am put out. Am not invited to go along.
10:17 AM
Learn that there is no bomb in City Hall. Girls there are v. nice and chatty, but in denial. There is always a bomb in City Hall. Girls could never be spies. Have no flair for it. Continue waiting for Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me to finish his chat with the Mayor.
10:38 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me uses Ultra-SweetUnder-Wraps Walkie-Talkies to discover my position. Says "over" and"ten-four". Hmph. At least Young but Earnest Intern Who Is SmarterThan Me has respect for spy protocol.
10:46 AM
Return to Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™. Inform the Boss that it is done.
11:12 AM
Receive phone call on Highly Confidential Office Phone. Walk through evidence room to let in covert outside operative. Take much glee in the fact that evidence room is solid fact. Bring covert outside operative to the Boss. Am dismissed to sit behind desk and answer Highly Confidential Office Phone.
12:24 PM
Play six quick games of solitaire. Realize that being spy does not improve skills at said game.
1:17 PM
Get hungry. Take stock of Covert Classified Freezer. Realize that being a spy means eating Michelina’s Not-So-Covert Meals on Wheels. Resign self to life of rubbery noodles and not enough alfredo sauce.
1:59 PM
Realize that Highly Confidential Office Phone should be called Stupid Esoteric Instrument of the Coming Apocalypse. Realize that being Super-Secret Spy does not mean one does not accidentally hang up on covert outside operatives.
3:04 PM
Make quick trip to grocery store across the street from Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™… and drop in to see puppies in pet shop next door. Even spies like puppies.
3:20 PM
Return, armed and dangerous with box of Valentine’s chocolates and latest issue of stupid girly magazine. Make excuse that am researching aphrodisiacs and disguises. Snigger at cleverness of self. Have hoodwinked them all.
4:16 PM
Get very tired of Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter than Me and his fellows (Young but Satirical Intern Who Wears Funny T-Shirts and Young but Dimly-Lit Intern Who Does Not Look Me In the Eyes) stealing my v. nice pens. Use Ultra-Sweet Under-Wraps Walkie-Talkie to demand them back, though they are only ten feet away.
5:01 PM
Don coat. Bid goodbye to fellow spies and slip into elevator unnoticed. Am v. good at doing that. Make effort not to be bitter that catsuit and ferocious ability to 0wn any opponent have yet to be displayed.
5:11 PM
Arrive home. Look at catsuit in mirror. Realize… is better to have kept covered up. How embarrassing.
5:14 PM
Slip back into alter-ego, v. much like pair of worn bedroom slippers. Have soup for dinner. Drink mint tea. Wish v. much for a cat to curl up with. Settle for Nathan Fillion instead.
Being a spy is so much work.
This, though. This is gold.
I am on my second day as a receptionist for AFCBroadband, a local internet company. I work in the basement of the city offices.
You have to understand, however, that the title "receptionist" is merely for my protection, because if I told you what I really did, I would have to kill you (with the Vulcan neck pinch, which I can't tell you I learned yesterday, because you're supposed to think that I was just doing paperwork).
I, my friends, am actually a spy.
-ITINERARY-
7:50 AM
Wake up. Roll skillfully out of bed. Spies do everything skillfully. Eat Frosted Flakes, pour milk down the sink (because sugared milk is disgusting and spies do not have to put up with that).
8:03 AM
Shower. Practice spy-poses in shower. Spies always look great when caught off guard in shower. Must perpetuate stereotype.
8:19 AM
Don sleek pleather catsuit (after donning control-top pantyhose). Cover up said catsuit with respectable turtleneck sweater and nice dress pants. Am only receptionist. Tell self that. Do not snigger. Resist putting on false eyelashes and red eyeshadow. Resist putting on babydoll wig.
8:45 AM
Arrive at police station. Swipe key-card at outer door, inner door, and at elevator. (Resist taking stairs in hope that you will be attacked by Thwarted Angy Enemy and 0wn hardcore. Stairwells still scare you-- you saw The Grudge.) Descend in elevator to basement... the Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™. Hang up coat. Greet coworkers as if we are not spies. It does not do to make a big deal about being a spy. Spies are humble.
9:43 AM
Answer urgent speakerphone request from the Boss. Embark on clandestine mission to deliver mail to City Hall. Am v. certain mail includes instructions on how to disarm bomb. Always a bomb in City Hall. Am sent with Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me.
9:46 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me realizes we have forgotten Ultra-Sweet Under-Wraps Walkie-Talkies. Go back to retrieve.
9:55 AM
Finish walk to City Hall. Begin to think that Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™ is underfunded and should give me better shoes and high-techumbrella to keep off rain. (Also, more than six dollars an hour.)
9:56 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me disappears to speak with the Mayor, also known as He-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. Concerns technical problem. Am v. sure this is code for disarming bomb. Am put out. Am not invited to go along.
10:17 AM
Learn that there is no bomb in City Hall. Girls there are v. nice and chatty, but in denial. There is always a bomb in City Hall. Girls could never be spies. Have no flair for it. Continue waiting for Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me to finish his chat with the Mayor.
10:38 AM
Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter Than Me uses Ultra-SweetUnder-Wraps Walkie-Talkies to discover my position. Says "over" and"ten-four". Hmph. At least Young but Earnest Intern Who Is SmarterThan Me has respect for spy protocol.
10:46 AM
Return to Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™. Inform the Boss that it is done.
11:12 AM
Receive phone call on Highly Confidential Office Phone. Walk through evidence room to let in covert outside operative. Take much glee in the fact that evidence room is solid fact. Bring covert outside operative to the Boss. Am dismissed to sit behind desk and answer Highly Confidential Office Phone.
12:24 PM
Play six quick games of solitaire. Realize that being spy does not improve skills at said game.
1:17 PM
Get hungry. Take stock of Covert Classified Freezer. Realize that being a spy means eating Michelina’s Not-So-Covert Meals on Wheels. Resign self to life of rubbery noodles and not enough alfredo sauce.
1:59 PM
Realize that Highly Confidential Office Phone should be called Stupid Esoteric Instrument of the Coming Apocalypse. Realize that being Super-Secret Spy does not mean one does not accidentally hang up on covert outside operatives.
3:04 PM
Make quick trip to grocery store across the street from Super-Secret Spy Sanctum™… and drop in to see puppies in pet shop next door. Even spies like puppies.
3:20 PM
Return, armed and dangerous with box of Valentine’s chocolates and latest issue of stupid girly magazine. Make excuse that am researching aphrodisiacs and disguises. Snigger at cleverness of self. Have hoodwinked them all.
4:16 PM
Get very tired of Young but Earnest Intern Who Is Smarter than Me and his fellows (Young but Satirical Intern Who Wears Funny T-Shirts and Young but Dimly-Lit Intern Who Does Not Look Me In the Eyes) stealing my v. nice pens. Use Ultra-Sweet Under-Wraps Walkie-Talkie to demand them back, though they are only ten feet away.
5:01 PM
Don coat. Bid goodbye to fellow spies and slip into elevator unnoticed. Am v. good at doing that. Make effort not to be bitter that catsuit and ferocious ability to 0wn any opponent have yet to be displayed.
5:11 PM
Arrive home. Look at catsuit in mirror. Realize… is better to have kept covered up. How embarrassing.
5:14 PM
Slip back into alter-ego, v. much like pair of worn bedroom slippers. Have soup for dinner. Drink mint tea. Wish v. much for a cat to curl up with. Settle for Nathan Fillion instead.
Being a spy is so much work.
4 Comments:
This... this is your novel. How very wonderful!
Oh, one note - girly magazines mean something entirely different to a guy.
You must, MUST, post more of the daily exploits of the underpaid spy.
Now the asian is going to be applying where you work...
I...
o.o
But-
you...
I.
You lucky son of a gun.
I'm a spy. But you- you're a SPY.
o.o
Please inform when you need all security systems shut down by hackers located at University HQ. Have excellent lead into possible undercover mission that will require extensive use of catsuit (also, Matrix-esque skillz)
Pfft. And everyone thinks I'm spending time in the computer lab to slack off from my business reading assignment. As if.
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